These are some of the common themes that are strong for us Moms; especially exaggerated as of the last few years with the pandemic. Many Moms are battling these feelings daily…
It should not be called mom burnout, more like societal betrayal or maternal exhaustion.
I never really thought so in-depth into what calling these feelings “burnout” really does. After learning more about this term even as we better word what was formally known as “burnout” for nurses and doctors, now better termed “moral injury”. After reading articles & discussing with other people, I now realize that using this word for moms is totally wrong too.
The term “burnout” places the blame & responsibility on the person, telling Moms that they aren’t enough in some way; not resilient enough, etc… some psychiatrists are calling these feelings for Moms ‘societal betrayal’. Words matter. What we tell ourselves matters. Calling this societal betrayal instead of ‘mom burnout’ takes the blame off Mom and puts it on the broken systems around us. Some are calling it ‘maternal exhaustion’. Either way, calling this ‘Mom burnout’ doesn’t capture this properly as it places the blame on the Mom, intentionally or not.
Especially during this pandemic, working Moms have had to make really tough decisions. Send my kid to daycare/school and risk exposure or call off work leaving your professional life to suffer. Sitting your child down in front of a tv or tablet screen so you can have some time to yourself. This is also a burden, that is more so unjustly put on Moms versus Dads. Not in all situations, but most. This also happens in same sex relationships. But, for those with male/female parents, this isn’t right and shouldn’t just automatically be placed on the female.
Moms right now are suffering greatly with regards to mental health. We Moms need to stop telling ourselves that we should be doing more. Sometimes good enough is the best you can do while still maintaining your sanity. Especially during the more challenging times.
Flashing back to Spring of 2020,
I delivered my premature twins at 33 weeks during an emergent c-section in mid March of 2020. This was literally just as the pandemic was blowing up in the Chicago area. Moments before I was wheeled into surgery the evening of March 14, 2020, the hospital changed their visitor policy, and my Mom was told to leave the hospital. I’m so thankful I was able to have my spouse with me, because going through all that alone would’ve been really hard. There are many Moms who have less than ideal birth stories made more challenging with our beloved Covid 19 pandemic.
Despite my request for extended leave from work, which is unpaid leave for US citizens, I was denied an extension and had to return back to work after 3 months. My babies were literally just one month adjusted when I went back to work full time in the hospital in June of 2020. During this time, I was so tired that I was basically delirious for months, literally. Totally delirious for most of 2020. And sadly, this is not uncommon for most Moms. There is not much room for career flexibility with regards to family life balance in the US. Unless you get luck with a foreign based company, you’re pretty much out of luck and have to hope that you have enough resources and/or support to make it through.
After their birth March 14, 2020, my kids were in the NICU for about one month. We had both babies home by mid April, and my husband was back at work full shortly after. Since I had a c section, I couldn’t drive so I was dependent on him for rides to the hospital. We usually came in the afternoon because I would wait for him to get off work. When mid April came, both babies were home by the weekend & my husband was back to work on Monday working full days. No time off.
My mom was working from home (doing telehealth visits) during the pandemic and my grandma was able to help out with the babies during the day. Thank God. There were many many nights I didn’t sleep at all. Because with two newborn babies, there is so much. And as my daughter had big spit up issues after eating, sometimes I would feed her three times in a row just so that she would digest something. She basically had to be held for several hours after feedings or she would spit most of it up.
Initially it was pretty much me and the two babes all night. I was exhausted, delirious, felt insane, felt sad, felt lonely etc… I had postpartum depression hard. I can recall one night, feeing psychotic from lack of sleep, that both babies were crying at the same time on purpose. I was losing it. During this time I had strong resentment built up for my spouse. Things got better when Dan and I (my husband) had a talk, and split the night up into shifts. I took the first 5 hours, and he took the last 5 hours until 6am. If you didn’t get sleep during your shift, sometimes you didn’t sleep at all. I don’t know how I did all this and kept breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is so hard, but somehow I was able to make it to a year. I would never judge any Mom for deciding to stop breastfeeding as it’s truly difficult for myriad reasons. During all this I was working 12 hour shifts, so by the end of the week, I could barely speak English, seriously. I went back to work after 3 months when my twin babies were just one month adjusted [😱 cue the scream sound effects]. The best thing I could do at that point in the week, was talk the least amount possible, especially when I was at work. I was so tired that it took too much brain power to form lucid and logical sentences for conversation sake at that point in the week.
I don’t share this story because I think I’m special, I share it because stories like this are all to common in this country. People in the Midwest are known for some good things. I used to think having a strong work ethic was purely positive. It certainly shows its ugly parts too when bosses and employers expect that people have no life outside of work. Yikes.
Hopefully things will get better for postpartum women in this country as going through this was absolute hell. I also worked as a nurse in surgical procedures, and staying late is common. When I would stay late at work and have to be up again at all hours, taking care of my babies at home it would literally mess me up for a straight week at least. Oi.
The concept of work life balance shouldn’t be a nice to have, it should be essential. Especially if the individual doesn’t want to pound away the hours at work. I stand with the community of women who want to take the time to focus on their growth as a first time mom, to be able to take the time to pump and breastfeed if they so choose, to be able to go home on time to spend time with their family. We shouldn’t have to roll our eyes at a job that screams poor work/life balance. It should be a given. Also, it’s a pretty common theme that after the first couple weeks, many co-workers roll their eyes at your need to take time to pump for your baby/babies. Especially in the hospital where the work doesn’t stop and nurses cover each other for breaks & lunch. I can recall feeling so stressed out some days that I hardly got any milk. Terrible way to exist.
With regards to expectations for ourselves…
Moms, please just throw the word “perfect” right out the door, lock it once, then dead bolt it, and throw away the damn key. Throw it in the lake, the ocean, the forest. Lose it forever. Most times I hear that word I shutter on the inside. It’s a word used way too often in conversation. It’s a standard no one can fill or attempt to fill. Trying to reach perfection will drive a person nuts.
Ditch the notion that there is “one right choice”. If you find your mind focusing on trying to find the “one right choice”, see if you can stop yourself & say “the story I’m telling myself right now is” (thanks @BreneBrown) that there is only one right choice. This is where mindfulness come in. Just because we have a thought, it doesn’t necessarily mean we have to believe it or even give it the time of day. Instead, you can metaphorically step aside, and say ‘does this thought hold any merit or am I being too critical?’
We. Are. Not. Our. Thoughts.
Also, don’t beat yourself up saying that you “should be doing more”. I should have done more laundry, I should have decorated for Christmas already, I should have blah blah blah. This is setting yourself up for “shame talk” shame talk only leads to feelings of anxiety and or depression. Feelings that we aren’t doing enough and that we should have done more in someway. Instead, practice some self-compassion, and when you find yourself telling yourself that you should’ve done x y or z, tell yourself “I’m shame talking myself, I’m telling myself that there is one perfect way when that doesn’t exist.”
It’s hard for all of us, me included, but many days, we just have to say to ourselves “good enough” and let it be.
A recent study demonstrated that there four main factors that greatly impact wellness for Moms.
Those are:
• satisfaction w friendships
• authenticity
• feeling seen and loved
• feeling comforted
Being a recovering “perfectionist” myself, I had to throw that right out the window to maintain a healthy mindset. It’s too much to try to reach this idea of “perfection” we have in our minds. The perfect outfit, the perfect post, the perfect family pictures, the perfect matching family outfits… I’m not slamming any of these things per say, I am standing up against this idea that we have to be perfect in any way.
Don’t forget to make time for yourself. Remind yourself perfection doesn’t exist. One of the best things us Moms can do is to reach out to our community of mothers. Keep talking to other Moms. Keep reaching out. Keep the conversation going. Whether it’s an in person or online relationship, us Moms need all the support we can get.
I am here for you. Please reach out to me. You’re not alone.
Xoxo
TMD 🌿
@TwinMomDiana 